LP_Addict_2004's Xanga

Monday, September 26, 2005

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 19:12:14 GMT

Current mood: Mood? No "mood" MOODS! Angry, pissed off, depressed, and full of rage.

I think it's time for new friends. But college is SO FAKE!! I can't believe people have relationships during this time. All the ones I've had were so fake and unreal it's stupid.

I'm unhappy now and I think I always will be. I am pushing people away and I will continue to push people away. I just want to be happy, but people don't make me happy. I don't make myself happy. I want to be left alone but I don't want to be alone. It's one big vicious cycle. I don't want to be hurt and that's all that's happening. I hurt myself and others in the process. The only one I'm happy with isn't happy with me and if he is I don't see it, prolly because I'm just unhappy inside myself. Im selfish in my wants but what I want isn't much. It's too much to ask of people but they ask everything of me.

I'm tired; so tired. I'm morbid now and I don't know why. I'm sick of all the shit, I'm sick of the way I am, I'm sick of others dominating me and I'm sick to DEATH of being unhappy. Why can't I just be happy? I'm only 20 and I don't even want to see tomorrow. Everyone dislikes me and I dislike them too. They can all fuck themselves. I'm not here to be liked I just want to live my life and I can't because they make it so damn hard to. I even make it hard to.

I just want some peace. A place for my head. To rest. Is it so damn much to want?

Monday, August 22, 2005

Mon, 22 Aug 2005 17:37:23 GMT

We're going on a trip. Muahahahaha

Steff and I are going to go to American Idol auditions on Thursday. It's in AUSTIN. So we're going tomorrow (Tuesday) to get wrist bands and such, then come back. Then we leave nighttime on Wednesday and spend the night till Thursday and do the audition(s). then come back to celebrate good or bad on Friday. I'm going to totally enjoy this experience. OMFG it's been awhile since I've been out of town and I've never been to Austin!!! So I'm uber excited.

Then for my birthday (Muahahahahhahahaaha) he and I are going to go and see C H E V E L L E!!!!!! It'll be in San Antonio so ANOTER ROAD TRIP!

Having some family probs as they keep trying to fuck things up, but everything is fine for now. I'm just happy I gotz Steff to keep me unbored for awhile. And I ACTUALLY have things to look forward to. Wow.

Well TTFN all!

C. =^..^=

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 19:27:26 GMT

*contented sigh*

OMFG This weekend has been UBER AMAZING. I haven't had so much fun in awhile, so it was good to get nice and drunk for a change and enjoy life and not think too much like I always do. I spent the entire weekend with Steff, and BEn, Palm Tree, Leo, Me, and Steff all got totally wasted on Friday night. We drank so much OMFG it was AWESOME. Ben shook a coke bottle, totally ruined Steffs room, but OMFG it was hilarious. We laughed, I cried, then we kept laughing, we slept. Grrrrrr......sexual tension is rising and it's not fair.

Oooooook below is a recap of the nights events when we were drunk. It's so fucking hilarious; I don't even remember writing that shit Hahahahaha!!!!! Things in bold I added in and are not included in the article:

Ben: 2 nights in a row!!!!!!!!!!
i ate a fuckin cigarette!! i almost drowned in vodka... i actually breathed that shit in! but i wanted to drown.. and this one dude fuckin went to jack off and he jumped the fence and hasnt been found since......

Me: And me, this girl that was with these crazy guys during this time was DRUNK off her ASS. I remember everything so it wasn't too bad, but it was enough...... I was getting hit on and touched, but I still kept my cool and remembered I was IN CONTROL. I'm so fucking drunk as I'm typing this now so excuse me if I don't make any sense. I'm still functioning, so that is UBER COOL. Know this: Godsmack, Staind, Linin Park, Coldplay, CHEVELLE, and numerous other bands of the genre ARE THE FUCKING SHIT AND SCREW YOU IF YOU THINK DIFFERENTLY.
Remember this for future reference IF you can get it:
Sedulously eschew obfuscatory hyperverbosity or prolixity.
Man I'm so gone......

Ben: hahaha i didnt fuck with her i dont remember shit!! this is BEn by the way.. i shook an open coke and it fuckin xploded in my face and all over every fuckin body in the room.. everyone.. it got in my fuckin eye and shit..
and that shit up there is fuckin german or some fuckin language.. and the end of her fuckin essay..i fuckin passed out on the floor and i woke up to find fuckin people layin on me and shit and then i fukin started smokin some shti im not sure wut the fuk it was but me and some other dude cleared the fuckin pack or box or wut the fuck ever.. damn i cant belive im typin right now..i can barely keep my head up................................................................

sox are flyin everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there was a mormon a catholic a wiccan a judas priest hobowitnesss an eggnostic i spelled this shit so wrong2@@@!!!

and all the religions got fucked up in harmony!!!!!!!!!
and no1 was converted like those fuckin islaamic bitches..i appologize for the muslims.. and if i mispeleldd anything my bad!!!

ahhahahahahahahhhahhahaha i need some shroomssssssssssssssss

write me back so we can get fucked the fuck up again and a..gain and a fuckin gain hahaahahhahahahhahaahhahaah...ahahahahahaa
i need to fuckin drown in alcyhol like the rest of u bastardsWASDFASGEWTASDG

its morning sleep time im still fuckin wastedsad and asits time for black time
so lets get wasted again

MASTER OF FUCKIN PUPPETS KIX ASS WHEN UR GONE TO ARKANSAS SO REMEMBER GET FUCKED UP AND WRITE UR SHIT ON MY SPACE
LET ME FUCKIN KNOW IF U WANNA GET FUCKIN MESSED THE FUCK THE FUCK THE FUCK THE FUCK THE CUKEDFJS THEFUCKERDS

UP

FUCKERDS!!!!!!!!!!!

Lots of things going on; I can't function well enough to write it all down at the moment. When the time is right, you guys will know.

See you laterz for now.

C. =^..^=

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Sun, 07 Aug 2005 00:04:47 GMT

Don't they have a crying emoticon?

I viewed my Grandmother for the last time today. I dislike funerals, as I said, because I'd rather remember them as they were. Her body looked good though. They didn't overdo her makeup and she was dressed very nice.

The whole thing was lovely with the priest adding lovely words to the mix. What made me finally break down was when he said that he remembered buring a nephew and hearing the priest presiding the funeral say (to a certain extent; I don't remember exactly what he said, but the gist is...) that life was too short and we should make the most of our life that we have here on earth and to love one another and stop hating on people and commiting acts of hate. It opened up my eyes and made me cry to hear that I in fact, as does everyone sometimes, don't realize everything we take for granted. It's just something I thought I should share.

So we processed down the freeway to the cemetery and said our final farewells. I saw everyone crying but I didn't cry; I felt I needed to be strong for those that couldn't.

Afterwards, we went to AJs house and had a comida (what's with us Mescins and food eh? LMAO JP) where EVERYTHING was delicious. I had meat empanadas (a first for me) and they were so good. I am getting FAT!!! LMAO Good food and it was good to see everyone. Everyone of the cousins is so grown up. OMFG Kika!! She grew so much! She's sucha cutie pie. I saw many little babies (more cousins) so the family is growing as I feel OLD. LMAO

Josephs birthday was today as was CHANUNS!!!!!!!!! Joe is 8 and Shannon is 16. WOW!! I feel old......... He had a Spongebob Pinata which was cute (I GOT A LEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I punctured some holes in there a bit, but not too much damage; had to save it for the youngins. Plus I couldn't see........ At least I got a leg!! And who could forget the candy and cake and ice cream? Hella cool day. Who lives in a Pineapple under the sea?

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

I love Patrick Star LMAO

Chilled with Shiny and Patpic and let Pat listen to CHEVELLE THE FREAKIN BOMB!!!!!

Sorry Shannon that you were tired and bummed out. I love you!!!!!!!!!

Well hopefully school ends soon LMAO I still have to work on my final exam review which is HELLA HARD. Got to talk to the Mega Uber Super Genius to help me out.

TTFN All!

C. =^..^=

Friday, August 05, 2005

Fri, 05 Aug 2005 18:07:38 GMT

Okay so since Wednesday this all happened:

First off, my Grandmother on my mom's REAL side (not adopted) died. She was 81. They had no life insurance policy on her so basically everything has to be paid out of pocket and there's not even going to be an obituary (sp?) on her. It's like she didn't even exist. She was a good woman. She's the one who taught me to crochet which I still do occasionally. Tonight is the rosary and then Saturday is the Funeral. I really don't want to go to either. Facing death is hard for me and I just can't handle seeing a stiff body in a casket of the person I remember alive and well. I'd rather remember them as they were, not all rigid and........dead. She died Tuesday night at about 10-10:30 or so. I thought it was natural causes but she was sick and she had stopped eating. Most think it was kidney failure.

So Wednesday morning I went to some demolished building site with my mom to collect bricks for later use. (REAL bricks like the heavy shit you build houses with. These are the good, old, made to last kind.) We got ALOT of bricks. (I think my mom said about 200+ or so I THINK) We took the van, loaded them in, and low and behold.........

There was a solid, square, granite panel lying cock-eyed on a pallet of bricks. We had to move it to get to the bricks and me being who I am, I had to move it by myself since my mom doesn't have the strength that I have. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT SHIT WEIGHS!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????? My mom said at least 300 pounds if not less or more. I had to LIFT it and ROLL it and that was HELLA HARD to do. I got it to the back door of the van (BY MYSELF! Thanks mom......) but I couldn't lift the shit up there (waaay to heavy. By that time I had exerted myself past so many limits.)

So we leaned it against the van and went about collecting bricks. We asked some man that was there to help me lift the granite up onto the van but he told us he had an "injury" and couldn't lift anything heavy (and he was lifting welding tools and lugging oxygen tanks.....)

I wanted that granite because it was almost impossible to get onto the van.

My mom finally snapped that we did have a side door so, again, by myself, I lugged that shit (ROLLED a square piece of granite) to the side of the door, lifted it () as I rolled it and FINALLY got it into the van (with one push from mom helping me get it there.)

Now today and yesterday I could not sleep on my left side and my whole upper body is sore. But I'm a strong woman yes I am.

Got my UNYAS done (OK spanish freaks, is NAILS spelled right in spanish?? LMAO) with Jackie. We picked her up to go and take her to Austin to see what she needed to take this year *SENIOR 06* YAY!

I decided to have a semi girls-day-out and we got our nails did and eyebrow wax (which I needed....I can only pluck out so much....)

So we be looking good and here I am annoying people in the lab with my loud ass typing. Muahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha

I'm so evil............

*tap tap taptaptap ta tap tap*

*Sees girl look in direction of typing*

Ok enough for now. Got school work to do.

TTFN ALL!

C. =^..^=

Thanks to Chanun for these!

Monday, August 01, 2005

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 15:25:04 GMT

Got this off of BR.net. It's so hilarious. Enjoy......

Rules that guys wished we knew:

2. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

3. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

4. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

5. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

6. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

7. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

8. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

9. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

10. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. (SIKE! Guys and dogs ugggg...)

11. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

12. Shopping is not a sport.
13. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
14. You have enough clothes.

15. You have too many shoes.

16. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

17. Your brother is an idiot, you ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

18. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

19. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

20. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
21. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes -- What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

22. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

23. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

24. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

25. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

26. Check your oil.

27. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

28. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

29. It is neither in your best intrest or ours to take the quiz together.

30. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

32. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

33. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazine.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

AND FINALLY, THE NUMBER ONE RULE:
1. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

ROTFLMAO I was so fucked up it's unreal. I hated the feeling but I'd do it again. LMAO

Now onto slaving away in my house once again. I need a job. Payless can you fucking call already?

C. =^..^=

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 19:11:36 GMT

Thanks to Grace for this

[ ] I am bisexual or homosexual.
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[ ] I listen to political music.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[ ] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[x] open up to others easily.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own an iPod or MP3.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[x] I love Disney Movies.
[x] I am a sucker for hair/eyes.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I curse regularly.
[ ] I paid for that cell phone ringtone.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[ ] I've slipped out an "lol" in a real conversation.
[ ] I love Spam.
[x] I bake well.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.
[ ] I have a job.
[ ] I love Martha Stewart.
[ ] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I am self conscious.
[x] I like to laugh.
[ ] I smoke a pack a day
[ ] I loved Perks of Being a Wallflower.
[ ] I loved Go Ask Alice.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[x] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[ ] I've been out of this country.

[x ] I believe in ghosts.
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I see a therapist.
[x] I love white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[ ] I am comfortable with being me.
[x] I play computer games/video games.
[x] I'm single.
[ ] I'm in a myspace relationship.
[ ] Gotten lost in your city.
[x] Saw a shooting star.
[ ] Been to any other countries besides the united states.
[x] I Had a serious Surgery.
[x] Gone out in public in your pajamas.
[x] I have Kissed a Stranger.
[x] Hugged a stranger.
[x] Been in a fist fight.
[ ] Been arrested.
[x] Laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose.
[x] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] Made out in an elevator.
[ ] Swore at your parents.
[x] Kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] Been close to love.
[ ] Been to a casino.
[ ] Been skydiving.

[ ] Broken a bone.
[x] Skipped school.
[x] Flashed someone.
[x] Saw a therapist.
[ ] Done a split.
[ ] Played spin the bottle.
[x] Gotten stitches.
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] Bitten someone.
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls.
[x] Gotten the chicken pox.
[x] Kissed a member of the same sex.
[ ] Crashed into a friend's car.
[ ] Been to Japan.
[ ] Ridden in a taxi.
[x] Shoplifted.
[ ] Been fired.

[ ] Ever had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] Stole something from your job.
[ ] Gone on a blind date.
[ ] Lied to a friend.
[x] Had a crush on a teacher/sub.
[ ] Celebrated mardigras in New Orleans.
[ ] Been to Europe.
[ ] Slept with a co-worker.
[ ] Been married.
[ ] Gotten divorced.
[ ] Had children.
[x] Saw someone dying.
[ ] Been to Africa.
[ ] Driven over 400 miles in one day.
[ ] Been to Canada.
[ ] Been to Mexico.
[ ] Been on a plane.
[x] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] Thrown up in a bar.
[ ] Eaten Sushi.
[ ] Been snowboarding.
[ ] Been Skiing.

[x] Met someone in person from the internet.
[x] Been moshing at a rock show. HELL YES!!

[ ] Been to a moto cross show.
[ ] Lost a child.
[x] Gone to college.
[ ] Done hard drugs.
[x] Taken painkillers.
[ ] Had someone cheat on you.
[x] Miss someone right now.

I miss Steff *cry cry* Have fun on your trip bud!

I'm keeping the biggest secret EVER and I will NEVER tell a soul.

I'm so happy right now.

C. =^..^=

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 21:06:18 GMT

Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Stability	\|\|	10%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Hedonism	\|\|	10%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Individuality	\|\|	10%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Physical fitness	\|\|\|\|	17%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%

Stability results were very low which suggests you are extremely worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:

self revealing, neat, craves attention, prefers organized to unpredictable, needs things to be extremely clean, worrying, perfectionist, emotionally sensitive, respects authority, social, vain, does not like to be alone, likes large parties, controlling, social chameleon, not a thrill seeker, enjoys leadership, takes precautions, puts the needs of others ahead of their own, assertive, rule conscious, makes friends easily, always busy, heart over mind, phobic, aggressive, clingy, compassionate, dominant, outgoing, suspicious, hard working, strong

Hmmmmmm..........

Thanks to Steve

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 18:17:08 GMT

A Perfect Circle- Passive

Dead as dead can be
The doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him
Ever the optimistic one
I'm sure of your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up and face me
Don't play dead 'cause maybe
Someday I’ll walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up
(Why can’t you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don’t play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I’ll walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Maybe you're better off this way (x3)
You're better off this (x2)
Maybe you're better off...

Wake up
(Why can't you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don’t play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I’ll walk away and say
You fucking disappoint me
Maybe your better off this WAY!

Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)
I know that you can hear this
(GO!)
Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)

Why can't you turn and face me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn and face me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn and face me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you and face me?
(GO!)
You fucking disappoint me

Passive-aggressive bullshit...

Great song. I've seen Constantine about 5 times now (great movie as well.....I don't see why people bashed it so much....) and this song is in the movie, so I had to put it on here.

Lawdy Lawdy. I don't know what came over me yesterday! I felt strangely drawn, at peace, and as if something lifted away from me. I felt sort of free as if everything was just floating away. I felt hella good yesterday. (Did someone mess with my aura here?) I was astounded at myself that I asked him! I couldn't really believe I was asking him because everything seemed like a dream as if I was in some sort of a trance. I don't know; the curiosity got the better of the cat inside of me. I've been wanting to see him as he was yesterday for a very long time. I was wonderfully suprised at how well he handled the situation and that he didn't seem too put off that I actually asked him. Although I was still retardedly shy, I felt awed and comfortable. I felt more awe than anything. I'm glad it was done as it was because I'm still comfortable and I actually want to do more. I was very shocked. He is very REAL and he's the only person (REAL person) I've ever experienced this with. And I actually wouldn't want it any other way. He's just coolio like that.

OMFG I laughed so hard this morning! My mum asked me about yesterday (How'd it go etc etc) and I discussed things with her and I made a passing comment to her about how unbelieveably Hot Steff is. So random, she says "Yeah, he has a huge ass" I was like O_O Mom!!! LMAO Someone has been looking at someone a little too hard there LMAO. My mom has never done that (been so completely random) and woah LMAO Totally caught me off guard there! But I do have to concur; his ass is very big and bootyful

Jackie is doing well amoungst her friends. I don't know if she will come back home for the new semester of school as her friends are all going to different schools and she'll be the only one going to Austin from them. I'm very saddened for Brother as he holds so much animosity and disspointment towards her. I'm sure if he came across her, he'd have loads of hurtful things to say. He's such a macho guy, and he says he doesn't care about her or her leaving, but you can see it and you can tell. She was his confidant about alot of things seeing as they labeled me a looser and not worth talking to about anything "cool" in their lives. He's going to be in the same class (2006) as her and my cuzin (PATPIC!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!) and he told me he didn't want to be in any classes with her or see her for that matter. I was sad that he felt that way. Even though we all don't agree with the current situation, she is still family. Regardless of what I think or feel, I will be here when she comes back or needs anything. That's what we do!

OHANA!! FAMILY! No one gets left behind!

Speaking of school, I go to the prison tomorrow to be with the most annoying undertaker of a man called my teacher who hovers over my shoulder asking me retarded questions in his ridiculous accent bothering me while I J A M to my music. O_O Just DIE DIE DIE. No, but I have a couple of things to do i.e taking exams and brushing up on the Final Exam Review EARLY so I can be prepared and not a dumbass who has to take this remedial class again. So wish me luck. Then it's onto my actual COLLEGE curriculum and my Associates in Science degree.

Ahhhhhhhhhh yesssss. Dad. Hmmm..... Well what can I say? Our relationship is shits. I don't talk to him; he doesn't talk to me; only when it's nescessary. Needless to say he hurt alot of my feelings yesterday and when I wanted insight from mom I got the bigger picture and it hurt more. I'm basically a fucked up child that does nothing right; I don't treat Gabriel right, I don't clean right, I don't cook right, I'm bad because I don't have a job. The whole trip again and again and again. I cannot please him. I never will even if I bring in a million dollars of income. It won't be enough. He says he loves me but I want it SHOWN.

I think that is a problem with me as well (I'm turning into my father; not showing how I truly feel) as I feel all these things for Steff but I don't think 1) he believes them as I don't show the emotion I want to convey 2) he doesn't care because he doesn't feel the same

(Like yesterday, I hope I didn't convey anything bad. I actually enjoyed the whole experience (even though I was shy) but I didn't think anything horrible; I hope I didn't show that.)

And to me, honestly, I don't care if he does or doesn't love me or like me. He doesn't show too many things as well, but that's fine. I'm not going to mind read anyone. All I know is that I (EYE) do like/love him and he can either accept that or reject it. I know ME and this is how I feel.

But yes I was crying my eyes out because I don't know anything anymore. I just have to calm down and figure out ME and not try to please HIM. I've tried to win his love and all he can do is point out all the bad in me. He says he's making me stronger. It hurts dad.

I just have Steff in this world and sometimes I fuck that up too. I'm just one big fuck up sometimes.

Thanks to Shannon for the pic. Love ya girlie!

C. =^..^=

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 13:32:43 GMT

Yesterday was FUD! Why can't I have more days like that? Hmm....

Steff performs todayeeeeee. You know, I don't care if he thinks he sucks (but he may know just how good he is) He has the most AMAZING voice I've ever heard. HUMAN wise, not like superstar wise you know? Not FAKE. REAL. TOTALLY REAL. He almost made me cry and you know what? He has a voice that could weaken the knees. Woo any lady off her feet. Shit, sing to me like that and I'd be all over him like a cat in heat. He ish AMAZING. He is the person like, if we slept together, (metaphorically guys) I'd want him next to me singing in my ear. Totally relaxing and beautiful. *cry cry* He he he I'm kind of a hopeless romantic sometimes LMAO

The song below totally fits sometimes in my life he he he. Great song.

How Soon is Now?

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and the heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

There's a club if you'd like to go
you could meet someone who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"
well, when exactly do you mean?
see I've already waited too long
and all my hope is gone