Current mood: Mood? No "mood" MOODS! Angry, pissed off, depressed, and full of rage.

I think it's time for new friends. But college is SO FAKE!! I can't believe people have relationships during this time. All the ones I've had were so fake and unreal it's stupid.

I'm unhappy now and I think I always will be. I am pushing people away and I will continue to push people away. I just want to be happy, but people don't make me happy. I don't make myself happy. I want to be left alone but I don't want to be alone. It's one big vicious cycle. I don't want to be hurt and that's all that's happening. I hurt myself and others in the process. The only one I'm happy with isn't happy with me and if he is I don't see it, prolly because I'm just unhappy inside myself. Im selfish in my wants but what I want isn't much. It's too much to ask of people but they ask everything of me.

I'm tired; so tired. I'm morbid now and I don't know why. I'm sick of all the shit, I'm sick of the way I am, I'm sick of others dominating me and I'm sick to DEATH of being unhappy. Why can't I just be happy? I'm only 20 and I don't even want to see tomorrow. Everyone dislikes me and I dislike them too. They can all fuck themselves. I'm not here to be liked I just want to live my life and I can't because they make it so damn hard to. I even make it hard to.

I just want some peace. A place for my head. To rest. Is it so damn much to want?

Currently Watching Linkin Park - Live in Texas (CD/DVD Combo) see related

 We're going on a trip. Muahahahaha

Steff and I are going to go to American Idol auditions on Thursday. It's in AUSTIN. So we're going tomorrow (Tuesday) to get wrist bands and such, then come back. Then we leave nighttime on Wednesday and spend the night till Thursday and do the audition(s). then come back to celebrate good or bad on Friday. I'm going to totally enjoy this experience. OMFG it's been awhile since I've been out of town and I've never been to Austin!!! So I'm uber excited.  

Then for my birthday (Muahahahahhahahaaha) he and I are going to go and see C H E V E L L E!!!!!! It'll be in San Antonio so ANOTER ROAD TRIP!

Having some family probs as they keep trying to fuck things up, but everything is fine for now. I'm just happy I gotz Steff to keep me unbored for awhile. And I ACTUALLY have things to look forward to. Wow.

Well TTFN all!

C. =^..^=

  *contented sigh*  

OMFG This weekend has been UBER AMAZING. I haven't had so much fun in awhile, so it was good to get nice and drunk for a change and enjoy life and not think too much like I always do. I spent the entire weekend with Steff, and BEn, Palm Tree, Leo, Me, and Steff all got totally wasted on Friday night. We drank so much OMFG it was AWESOME. Ben shook a coke bottle, totally ruined Steffs room, but OMFG it was hilarious. We laughed, I cried, then we kept laughing, we slept. Grrrrrr......sexual tension is rising and it's not fair.

Oooooook below is a recap of the nights events when we were drunk. It's so fucking hilarious; I don't even remember writing that shit Hahahahaha!!!!! Things in bold I added in and are not included in the article:

Ben: 2 nights in a row!!!!!!!!!!
i ate a fuckin cigarette!! i almost drowned in vodka... i actually breathed that shit in! but i wanted to drown.. and this one dude fuckin went to jack off and he jumped the fence and hasnt been found since......

Me: And me, this girl that was with these crazy guys during this time was DRUNK off her ASS. I remember everything so it wasn't too bad, but it was enough...... I was getting hit on and touched, but I still kept my cool and remembered I was IN CONTROL. I'm so fucking drunk as I'm typing this now so excuse me if I don't make any sense. I'm still functioning, so that is UBER COOL. Know this: Godsmack, Staind, Linin Park, Coldplay, CHEVELLE, and numerous other bands of the genre ARE THE FUCKING SHIT AND SCREW YOU IF YOU THINK DIFFERENTLY.
Remember this for future reference IF you can get it:
Sedulously eschew obfuscatory hyperverbosity or prolixity.
Man I'm so gone......


Ben: hahaha i didnt fuck with her i dont remember shit!! this is BEn by the way.. i shook an open coke and it fuckin xploded in my face and all over every fuckin body in the room.. everyone.. it got in my fuckin eye and shit..
and that shit up there is fuckin german or some fuckin language.. and the end of her fuckin essay..i fuckin passed out on the floor and i woke up to find fuckin people layin on me and shit and then i fukin started smokin some shti im not sure wut the fuk it was but me and some other dude cleared the fuckin pack or box or wut the fuck ever.. damn i cant belive im typin right now..i can barely keep my head up................................................................


sox are flyin everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!



there was a mormon a catholic a wiccan a judas priest hobowitnesss an eggnostic i spelled this shit so wrong2@@@!!!

and all the religions got fucked up in harmony!!!!!!!!!
and no1 was converted like those fuckin islaamic bitches..i appologize for the muslims.. and if i mispeleldd anything my bad!!!

ahhahahahahahahhhahhahaha i need some shroomssssssssssssssss

write me back so we can get fucked the fuck up again and a..gain and a fuckin gain hahaahahhahahahhahaahhahaah...ahahahahahaa
i need to fuckin drown in alcyhol like the rest of u bastardsWASDFASGEWTASDG

its morning sleep time im still fuckin wastedsad and asits time for black time
so lets get wasted again


MASTER OF FUCKIN PUPPETS KIX ASS WHEN UR GONE TO ARKANSAS SO REMEMBER GET FUCKED UP AND WRITE UR SHIT ON MY SPACE
LET ME FUCKIN KNOW IF U WANNA GET FUCKIN MESSED THE FUCK THE FUCK THE FUCK THE FUCK THE CUKEDFJS THEFUCKERDS


UP


FUCKERDS!!!!!!!!!!!

Lots of things going on; I can't function well enough to write it all down at the moment. When the time is right, you guys will know.

See you laterz for now.

C. =^..^=

Currently Listening This Type Of Thinking Could Do Us In By Chevelle Emotional Drought see related

 Don't they have a crying emoticon?

I viewed my Grandmother for the last time today. I dislike funerals, as I said, because I'd rather remember them as they were. Her body looked good though. They didn't overdo her makeup and she was dressed very nice.

The whole thing was lovely with the priest adding lovely words to the mix. What made me finally break down was when he said that he remembered buring a nephew and hearing the priest presiding the funeral say (to a certain extent; I don't remember exactly what he said, but the gist is...) that life was too short and we should make the most of our life that we have here on earth and to love one another and stop hating on people and commiting acts of hate. It opened up my eyes and made me cry to hear that I in fact, as does everyone sometimes, don't realize everything we take for granted. It's just something I thought I should share.

So we processed down the freeway to the cemetery and said our final farewells. I saw everyone crying but I didn't cry; I felt I needed to be strong for those that couldn't.

Afterwards, we went to AJs house and had a comida (what's with us Mescins and food eh? LMAO JP) where EVERYTHING was delicious. I had meat empanadas (a first for me) and they were so good. I am getting FAT!!! LMAO Good food and it was good to see everyone. Everyone of the cousins is so grown up. OMFG Kika!! She grew so much! She's sucha cutie pie. I saw many little babies (more cousins) so the family is growing as I feel OLD. LMAO

Josephs birthday was today as was CHANUNS!!!!!!!!! Joe is 8 and Shannon is 16. WOW!! I feel old.........  He had a Spongebob Pinata which was cute (I GOT A LEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  I punctured some holes in there a bit, but not too much damage; had to save it for the youngins. Plus I couldn't see........  At least I got a leg!! And who could forget the candy and cake and ice cream? Hella cool day. Who lives in a Pineapple under the sea?

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

I love Patrick Star LMAO

Chilled with Shiny and Patpic and let Pat listen to CHEVELLE THE FREAKIN BOMB!!!!!

Sorry Shannon that you were tired and bummed out. I love you!!!!!!!!!   

Well hopefully school ends soon LMAO I still have to work on my final exam review which is HELLA HARD. Got to talk to the Mega Uber Super Genius to help me out.

TTFN All!

C. =^..^=

Currently Listening X&Y By Coldplay Hardest Part see related

 Okay so since Wednesday this all happened:

First off, my Grandmother on my mom's REAL side (not adopted) died. She was 81. They had no life insurance policy on her so basically everything has to be paid out of pocket and there's not even going to be an obituary (sp?) on her. It's like she didn't even exist. She was a good woman. She's the one who taught me to crochet which I still do occasionally. Tonight is the rosary and then Saturday is the Funeral. I really don't want to go to either. Facing death is hard for me and I just can't handle seeing a stiff body in a casket of the person I remember alive and well. I'd rather remember them as they were, not all rigid and........dead.  She died Tuesday night at about 10-10:30 or so. I thought it was natural causes but she was sick and she had stopped eating. Most think it was kidney failure.

So Wednesday morning I went to some demolished building site with my mom to collect bricks for later use. (REAL bricks like the heavy shit you build houses with. These are the good, old, made to last kind.) We got ALOT of bricks. (I think my mom said about 200+ or so I THINK) We took the van, loaded them in, and low and behold.........

There was a solid, square, granite panel lying cock-eyed on a pallet of bricks. We had to move it to get to the bricks and me being who I am, I had to move it by myself since my mom doesn't have the strength that I have. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT SHIT WEIGHS!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????? My mom said at least 300 pounds if not less or more. I had to LIFT it and ROLL it and that was HELLA HARD to do. I got it to the back door of the van (BY MYSELF! Thanks mom......) but I couldn't lift the shit up there (waaay to heavy. By that time I had exerted myself past so many limits.)

So we leaned it against the van and went about collecting bricks. We asked some man that was there to help me lift the granite up onto the van but he told us he had an "injury" and couldn't lift anything heavy (and he was lifting welding tools and lugging oxygen tanks.....)

I wanted that granite because it was almost impossible to get onto the van.

My mom finally snapped that we did have a side door so, again, by myself, I lugged that shit (ROLLED a square piece of granite) to the side of the door, lifted it () as I rolled it and FINALLY got it into the van (with one push from mom helping me get it there.)

Now today and yesterday I could not sleep on my left side and my whole upper body is sore. But I'm a strong woman yes I am.   

Got my UNYAS done (OK spanish freaks, is NAILS spelled right in spanish?? LMAO) with Jackie. We picked her up to go and take her to Austin to see what she needed to take this year *SENIOR 06* YAY!

I decided to have a semi girls-day-out and we got our nails did and eyebrow wax (which I needed....I can only pluck out so much....)

So we be looking good and here I am annoying people in the lab with my loud ass typing. Muahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha

I'm so evil............

*tap tap taptaptap ta tap tap*

*Sees girl look in direction of typing*

Ok enough for now. Got school work to do.

TTFN ALL!

C. =^..^=

Thanks to Chanun for these!